Rachel GuerreroToday I wanna talk about something that is a little harder to address. Something that can occur in your past and still nag at you everyday after. When preparing for my trip, I have had to turn within myself and figure out everything that could be possible be holding me back from reaching my best training potential. To be honest with myself, it’s not only the anxiety and PTSD I have received from my childhood, its the way I react to it. When you grew up in an unsafe, traumatic household, you almost become accustomed to the drama and constant chaos. Then when you move into a safer, more stable environment, you almost feel worse. Your body is so used to the trauma, that when things feel peaceful, you look for the issues in your environment to try and identify any danger. Sometimes you even create issues in your life, because that feels more like home to you. This can be a nasty habit to get into and can turn into an addiction. Just like any other addiction, you must first identify it as a problem. Realizing you may carry this trouble in your daily life, you may feel frustrated with yourself and blame yourself for the constant mistakes. I challenge you instead to feel compassion for where you are at and look to understand why you may make the decisions you do it your current life.
This can affect your current relationships more than anything—I found myself uncomfortable in the peace certain relaionships brought me and had to look for the problems that could potentially rise. The worst relationship this can affect is the one with yourself. When you are finally doing well and feel healthy within your body, you look for any issue or sickness that you can find because that’s almost what makes you feel more comfortable. Getting out of this habit has been quite challenging, as I train and grow in strength, I try and point out the good my body does and then sit in the discomfort of the peace. Soon, I make this peace my lifestyle and practice sitting in the silence of it everyday. This will be especially challenging when on the trail, as many moments will be filled with loud silence. The afternoons will be empty and forces you to sit amongst the stillness. Within this stillness is when your body feels safe enough to process the physical symptoms of trauma. This can be frustrating when you are surrounded by beautiful serenity, but your legs still shake with anxiety. Allow these feelings and symptoms to come up and sit with it. This will be more painful than the actual hike, but is necessary to grow. I hope with compassion and patience you can sit with that pain too until it the pain no longer remains.
With Love,
Miss Rachel