Rachel GuerreroI’ve spent many months away from Women’s Wake caused not just by the usual excuses of un-motivation or more lack of self-discipline, but by a great heist attempted this summer in which I shifted my writing focus.
My co-hiker and I left for the Pacific Crest Trail in May, with the goal of walking 1,000 miles by August, we were as hopeful as we were unprepared. We quickly learned the ways of the trail and, by watching other hikers, became aware of the heaps we still had to learn. During this time I decided to write for The Trek, a website that covered all things through hiking on multiple trails such as the PCT, AZT, AT, and CDT. For this period, I agreed to only write for The Trek and therefore, took a break from my site. I will be transferring those articles onto this site but until then the grief of getting off the trail and health complications has stolen my motivation to keep writing.
As last noted in The Trek, I had to get off the trail early due to a stomach illness, which I later found on what was both E Coli. and C. Diff. This sickness was followed by multiple hospital stays, the poor decision to make myself get back on the trail, and my co-hiker helping me make the painful decision to prioritize my body and eventually get off. When debating on whether to stay we had to weigh our factors to determine if it was worth it, and truthfully I was not the most capable hiker. Struggling with extreme anxiety, I had trouble balancing my emotions on the trail. Feeling constantly exhausted and weighed down, I overslept every day and fell short of miles. At the time I felt frustrated with myself and ridiculed myself for this sluggish behavior, but upon further investigation of my health, have realized the cause and therefore have more understanding and compassion. You see, after being hospitalized in Quincy, California, the doctors brought to me some light. They explained this infection usually only became apparent in those with auto-immune disease. After returning home and sleeping for almost a week straight, I decided on beginning testing for auto-immune. I didn’t know where to begin as this disease isn’t something I’ve been familiarized with. With follow-up visits for the C-Diff, came skewed white blood cell count test resulting in a referral for an ANA test.
Receiving news of an incurable disease is beyond human comprehension, how do you begin processing a positive result, let alone, positive for systematic lupus? The tricky part about auto-immune, it’s not a one-time confirmed test, but a series of testing that leads to an almost guessing game on whether it’s true. Upon waiting for more DNA testing in the upcoming months, I cannot start treatment until months in advance and therefore must sit. Sit in the biggest test of patience. And now that I am off the trail and in the safety of my own bed, I drown in the future possibilities and unknown. My brain jumps around the grieving process in which some moments are filled with utter denial to anger, and finally acceptance. Countering these ever-changing emotions is the slow reality in which I physically rest. I would have liked to identify as a go-getter previously, but now the biggest instruction given to me was to rest. So rest, sit, and drown I must.
There is a certain kind of trust you must develop with your life path that even when sitting in nothingness. A trust that you are still arriving at the same destination. Watching everyone else advance, with your heart still so full of passion and motivation, but not being able to pursue your own goals. You feel held back by your own body and as it decomposes into bed, you watch it dissolve into the sheets dragging down your heart and all those ambitions with it. The real challenge is not experiencing this pain, but loving and trusting your body even when it works against you. From previous anxiety issues, I have never held much trust in my body’s capability. Maybe this disease was forcing me to listen to my body. To reframe my subconscious distrust and underlying beliefs I have held since a young child. I felt anger for my immune system not working correctly and attacking itself, but the real battle began long before that; when I decided to believe my body was against me. Was it a coincidence that I had a prenotion my body was against me until it started behaving that way? Interesting enough, along with sun exposure, germs, and diet… the biggest cause for Lupus flaring up was emotional stress. Digging into the internet for an answer, the most common result I came upon was having a positive outlook on your own body. So despite my anger and resistance, I stand in the mirror and through the grit of my teeth, I recite….
I Love and Accept my Body
My body is healthy, safe, and free
It is working for me in order to protect and keep me safe
I deserve to be loved and cared for
I had always used the term “mind over matter” in ways to ignore the body and push myself to extremes by blaming all my problems on my mental state. While “mind over matter” is still relevant to me, It looks different now. It is no longer ignoring my body, but reframing my thoughts towards. Basically, you cannot have a healthy relationship with your body by telling it to shut up and only letting the mind speak; the body must be accounted for as well. Whether this disease was caused by emotional trauma, forcing myself to do everything even when I was sick and had panic attacks, or a simple genetic malfunction, I must forgive myself and specifically my body. There Is no other answer, but to resolve the relationship between mind and body. I encourage you to do the same. To take the dare of unconditionally loving yourself despite your lack of progress in your goals is a noble one, but it is no longer an option but a must. I had begun WomensWake to talk about my strive for a happy lifestyle and to train my body with compassion and acceptance. It was to show others that despite your upbringing, you can have an unconditional loving relationship with your body and upon receiving this recent diagnosis, I will continue to re-enforcing this mindset.
If you or a loved one is struggling with chronic illness, don’t be afraid to please reach out.
With Love,
Miss Rachel