Rachel GuerreroHappy Friday Women’s Wake,
I have graduated! Woohoo! That is… until I possibly start my master’s (if I can afford it in this economy). Realistically, it’ll probably be a long, drawn-out attempt over several years just to manage class costs. The truth is, I’d love to be completing my master’s while working full-time, but I have to balance it with this silly little nagging thing…my health. My health has prevented me from doing a lot of the thing’s society pressures us twenty year olds into. I used to think it was a curse, getting all wrapped up in bitterness and resentment. These days, I see it more as a blessing.
We’re sold this wild idea that our twenties are the peak of our lives, and that by the time we hit our mid-thirties, we start some slow, inevitable decline. That pressure makes me question how I’m spending my days, especially when a lot of them are spent in bed. We’re told we must graduate, jump into a full-time job, climb and cling (and fall from) the corporate ladder, get married, have kids, and make loads of money, unless, of course, your body decides otherwise. Lately, I’ve been watching way more YouTube than I’d like to admit, and I recently stumbled upon videos of older people giving advice to the younger generation. A common message was about aging and the warning not to take youth and health for granted, because one day, you’ll lose them. (Well, I guess I got an early education in that department.)
With all this fear that I’ve missed my “peak” due to autoimmune diseases and chronic infections, it’s easy to slip into a depression, reflecting and asking, “What’s next?”
For me, health and family dynamics might feel like they’re holding me back, but let’s be real, most twenty year olds have at least one thing doing the same. (If you’re one of the lucky few thinking, Not me! The world is my oyster, and I’m going to crush it! —this article is not for you.)
Tuning into the struggles of those around us can help chip away at the illusion that we’re the only ones struggling. If you’re thinking, Well, my situation is worse, mine is different, I’d say, maybe we just learned how to navigate challenges earlier. For me, it’s been about accepting the faster decay of my body and the daily limitations that come with it or the fact that I can’t stand for long without joint pain, that I can’t travel without my 10-pound bag of medications, or that I need to make sure there’s medical care wherever I go. And, the privilege of not being able to work myself into the ground at a job. (Okay, that last one doesn’t sound so bad.)
The goal is:
Letting go of comparisons to the “ideal twenties.”
Accepting a path with more challenges.
THEN: Finding gratitude for that path.
Oh man, that last one is tough for me. As someone who has always had high expectations for life and people (which gets me into trouble), letting go has been no easy feat. Being forced to let go of certain dreams has led me to a kind of everyday acceptance, where even letting go of the small things feels easier. I’ve also found deeper appreciation for the days I do get out of bed and the moments I’m not in pain.
Your struggles; whether with health, family, or other losses, have helped you accept life’s shortcomings early on, which in turn allows you to appreciate it more. (In a way, aren’t you living more because of it?) Therefore:
I’m grateful my chronic Epstein-Barr has forced me to carefully and intentionally choose experiences and jobs that align with my values and savors my energy.
I’m grateful that I can find peace in disappointment and stillness.
I’m grateful that my scleroderma and rosacea have helped me let go of my attachment to beauty—aging naturally doesn’t scare me anymore.
I’m grateful that I had a port installed on my 22nd birthday because it showed me, I could still find joy when things done go as planned.
I’m grateful that I had to start a stronger immunosuppressant (yep, oral chemo) because it forced me to be mindful of my alcohol consumption.
I’m grateful that my condition has made me more patient in my relationship; having a partner who’s a cancer survivor, we return the favor for each other.
I’m grateful my joint pain has so graciously humbled me to not over expert myself or overestimate my abilities.
And lastly, I’m grateful that I’ve had to work on my inner self more than my outer accomplishments.
So, don’t feel “less than” for not being gifted a traditional life path; feel joy and gratitude instead. Acceptance will follow. And remember, these realizations don’t come overnight. Be gentle with yourself.
I can’t wait to see how life transforms you,
Miss Rachel
P.S. A friend recently shared “Incomprehensible” by Big Thief with me. I feel it perfectly captures all of this.