Navigating relationships can be hard when we are trying to find the balance between us and our outside world. How do we grow and fully give ourselves to relationships, but also stay true to ourselves? This is something I have definitely not mastered yet, but there are a few things I have learned when participating in both friendships and romantic relationships. Most these subjects are what I have learned from the wise and loving people I have been lucky enough to have known in my life.

1. Keeping Personal Boundaries

Have you ever heard the saying, “you cannot give from an empty bucket”. Meaning, we cannot give to our partner when we do not give to ourselves? It is very sad to admit, but when we are feeling low in our self worth, we cannot give our best selves and provide for a partner. We have to first show ourselves respect before we can truly honor another. This can look like establishing healthy boundaries with the people you love. By doing this, you are showing honor to yourself and can therefore help others when you feel you are at your best. Keeping boundaries can look like:

“I don’t feel very well tonight, I am going to need to stay home”

“I feel extra sensitive today and may need to express my feelings”

“I do not like comments about my body”

2. Practicing Selflessness

Now this doesn’t necessary have to contrast with our first step, it can work with it to create a balance. When our boundaries are being honored, we can then move forward into the connection part of our relationships. Selflessness is a great practice that will not only make your partner feel great, but yourself as well. Selflessness is the act of putting one’s needs higher than your own. This does not mean neglect your own feelings, but it could mean letting go of your immediate wants. Say you are in a situation where you are about to go somewhere you really want to go and your friends decide to change the plans. Feelings of irritation or even frustration may arise. When dealing with mental health issues, it can be really hard to tell your brain you are doing something different. Your anxiety may even have its own temper-tantrum. You are not selfish and there is nothing wrong with you for feeling upset in this situation. Instead, show yourself compassing and love (Taking care of your needs first), then approach the situation practicing selflessness. I know you want to grow your relationships and you care deeply about your friends, so It feels good to see them happy. Ask yourself, “Can we practice selflessness in this moment”. If you really need to tend to yourself that is okay, but its very rewarding when you are able to give to your relationship as well. Examples to practice: Making sure your friends are all ready to go out before you are, giving rides to loved ones even when you don’t feel like it, and going with someone else’s change of plans even if it feels super super uncomfortable!

When we are upset with an exterior situation there is a personal need we are neglecting.

3. Limiting Co-Depedency

I don’t know why, but I really hate the term co-depedency, probably because I struggle with it myself. Let’s rephrase this term and call it “He/she did, so I…”. Which is basically saying that how you feel or act is a reflection of another person’s feeling/action. This can be a dark rabbit hole we fall into when we become close to someone. We want to be able to be in control of how we feel without someone else feelings getting in the way. This does not mean completely detaching from your partner, but it does mean limiting your emotional being with them. As someone who is super sensitive I have to train myself to understand the difference between feeling what my partner may feel and taking responsibility for it. I find myself feeling guilty or even anxious when my partner is upset because I take on their energy, which is neglecting my own needs. Say they leave the relationship or do something out of our control, by separating our own wants/needs, we can stay in control. When we can tell ourselves our partner needs are not a reflection of us, we can ironically give more to them. I fell into a very nasty mindset once that stemmed from co-depedency. I completely connected my partner’s energy to myself and after giving all my energy to them I asked, “what’s in it for me?” As shameful as that question is, it did not mean that I did not love the person unconditionally, but it did mean my wants were getting in the way of my affection. When we completely let go of another person’s actions towards us, then we can open up to giving freely and truly reflect our unconditional love to someone. Keeping tabs (whether we mean to or not), is not fair to our partner and is usually a reflection of our own unhealthy dependency. This goes for ourselves as well, look to openly receiving without shame. It is okay to take someone’s act of kindness, instead of feeling guilty, replace it with gratitude.

4. Becoming Vulnerable

This is another subject I have touched open quite frequently, but I believe it is a very important characteristic to practice. When we are vulnerable with our loved ones, they can open up to us. I cannot begin to emphasize the amount of times I have been honest with someone and then they are relieved they can get something off their chest to me. In your relationships you should encourage your loved ones to be honest and work to becoming a safe space for people to share. By listening to others in a non-judgmental way, we can allow others to be their true-selves. The more you practice this, the more you attract authentic relationships into your life. Same applies to how you treat yourself.

It is never you versus another person, It is always both of you against the problem.

 

With love, Miss Rachel